Ouch
Sometimes i feel like a sack of nothingness
Like i am too tired and heartbroken to know who i am as a person
Or maybe that is who i am as a person
And i just don’t want to know
Last week i thought, maybe i’m dead already
And this is Hell
I found that thought very comforting
Or maybe it just let me detach
From the hardness
For a moment
I’m not writing this poem to comfort you
So i’ll end here
And just say
Ouch
I hurt
Miserable
There’s a place inside me that hurts a lot
There has been
Since i was ten, i guess
That’s the first i can remember
Of this
Overwhelming misery
Amidst
The mirage
Of cheer
That girl
She wanted something
And then that something was
Miserable
But supposed to be
Joyful
So she thought she was wrong
Always wrong
To be so unhappy
Instead of being wrongly unhappy
She tried to be happy instead
Never
Ever
Succeeding
What was really successful
was
Bifurcation.
She got really good
At seeming happy
And joyful
And caring and loving and giving
And all these wonderful things
Things she really wanted to be
And
Always
She was in pain
A part of her in misery
And shame
Not to brag, but
Even then she knew
Part of that misery
Was
Sexism and capitalism
Maybe she didn’t have those words but
She knew but
She could not escape but
She wanted to fight and
That’s good
Still miserable
But better
Miserabetter
Wrong
The thing is
This girl
This miserable girl
She’s not so nice, tbh
She’s mean
People tell her she’s mean
People get their feelings hurt
If she’s honest
If she’s sad
If she’s cranky
If she’s trying to get attention
Get seen
People don’t like her
She does it wrong
And then she doesn’t get seen
Doesn’t get taken care of
And then she’s sad again
Even more
She just
Doesn’t
Know
What
To
Do.
So she goes away again.
She figures
She is the problem
So she hides
Under
The cheer
The kindness, the generosity, the warmth
The things that work better
To get attention
To get validation
To get comfort.
She doesn’t want to get in the way of that
That comfort
That’s a good thing
She wants to reach for it
She wants to ask for it
How
How, that’s her question
How?
