I wrote a fan fiction spin-off of Grace’s story in Babe. I didn’t write it for Grace or for Aziz Ansari — I wrote it for all the people calling those events “normal,” and for all the people recalling their own stories, and for all the people who don’t know how he could have done any better. HE COULD HAVE DONE BETTER. And you can, too. Let’s just consider really specifically what “better” might have sounded like.
1.
G: Why, what nice countertops you have.
A: Want to hop up and take a seat?
G: (Laughs, slides up)
A: Mhmm, this is a good height for me to kiss you. Can I kiss you?
G: Mhmm… (they kiss)
A: How about these clothes, how about we…
G: Mhmm, not yet…
A: Ok.
2.
A: I’m going to grab a condom.
G: Whoa, let’s relax for a sec, let’s chill.
A: Oh, ok. Can I keep kissing you? Or, do you want to get down from the countertop?
G: (Slides her feet back to the floor.)
3.
A: (Pulls her hand towards his penis.)
G: (Pulls her hand away.)
A: I want you to touch me. I want to feel your hands on me.
G: (Looks uncomfortable, shakes her head.)
A: Oh, not if you don’t want to. (Puts his fingers in her mouth.) Do you want me to touch you?
G: (Shakes her head again, laughs a little nervously.)
A: Ok! Ok, I hear you. Can I keep kissing you?
4.
G: (Stops moving her hand, moves away from him.)
A: Are you okay? What do you want, what would feel good?
5.
A: Where do you want me to fuck you?
G: Next time.
A: Oh, you mean not tonight?
G: Yeah.
A: I hope for another night then. What do you want to do tonight? A glass of water, a glass of wine, watch a movie, get an uber?
6.
G: I don’t want to feel forced because then I’ll hate you, and I’d rather not hate you.
A: Oh, of course, it’s only fun if we’re both having fun. I don’t want to force you, and I don’t want you to feel forced. What would help? Do you want me to get you an uber? Do you want to sit with me on the couch?
G: I’ll come sit with you.
A: Can I do something to help? Rub your shoulders, turn on the TV?
G: Yes, please!
7.
A: (After the episode of Seinfeld finishes.) Thanks for staying and cuddling. Can I kiss you again? Or shall I get you an uber?
G: An uber, thanks.
A: Just tell them your name is…
